Don't sweat, @user47045. I'm here to ensure you can contact one of our support agents.
Before we proceed, may I know what specific help you need? I can answer some general questions or concerns you may have about QuickBooks Online (QBO). Just click on Reply and provide further details so we can address them from here.
One of the possible reasons why the Help button isn't allowing you to start a chat or a phone call is that your browsers' stores frequently-accessed data, thus causing websites, like QBO, to act weirdly.
Let's try logging in to your QBO account using a private or a different browser. This way, we can check if it's a browser data issue.
Press Ctrl + Shift + N on your keyboard for Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox.