Why does it take Intuit Payment Solutions SO long to transfer money into my bank account? I keep getting told the pmt will be batched this eve, but nothing! What gives?!

I hear you on this, @DasPackMule.

Generally, if a customer made a payment through a credit card, it takes 1-2 business days to reach your bank. However, bank transfers (ACH) payments can take 2-7 business days. 

When you’re new to QuickBooks Payments, the initial batch of all the payments you processed in a day will be delayed up to 5 business days. These also vary depending on the following factors:

• Time of day you enter transactions.
• Weekends and federal holidays.
• Financial institution where transactions are deposited.
• How long it takes for your bank to verify and process electronic deposits.
• The customer submitting incorrect ACH information.
• The customer disputes/stops an ACH payment.
• The merchant makes changes to their bank account without notifying QuickBooks. 
• Credit card payments with issues that are part of the same batch as ACH payments.

To check your current deposit speed, you can follow these steps:

1. Go to Settings and select Account and Settings.
2. Select the Payments tab.
3. Review the Deposit Speed section.

If the payment is still not deposited within the given length of time, I recommend checking your payment status in the Merchant Service Center. Here you will find the current status of your payments according to the information which has been provided to QuickBooks. For the steps, please go to Step 2: Check the status of deposits and specific customer payments in the following article: Find out when QuickBooks Payments deposits your money. Also, you can find more information on the payment processes at this link. 

If you have other concerns, please add them to your reply below. I'm here to help.

Oh Quickbook Reply Bullsh**it. Here's the truth. It all depends on (1) how knew you are with them (2) how much your transferring and what the payment is for. First thing you should never do is transfer large amounts of money using their payment service, thats going to be a large flag to have Intuit steal and/or hold your money for as long as they want giving you bs reasons for holding it. You should only do small under $50 transactions for the first 3-6 months. Never go into the thousands of dollars, thats a flag for getting your account locked. Wait for the customer to write you a check thats ceritified. Dont be so greedy and impatient to do anything electronically in large amounts. Doing any sort of transaction electronically only means it can be taken away from you at anytime until the money is in your bank account and after that. Whether is a credit card dispute or a bank ach dispute. You dont want to set yourself up for that. 

When you send an invoice don't include what the product or services is for because Intuit has access to looking at your invoice and see what its for. If they dont like what your doing you'll get your account locked. Intuit will always string you along to make you think it wasnt them when the whole time it is them. A bank transfer like Zelle Payments should be instant. When you use Zelle, the payment is instant. So if Zelle can do it, then PayPal should be able as well. Cut off time with Intuit is 3 pm Western time. The transfer should take NO LONGER than 3 business days. Anything after that, then Intuit is playing games. If they start to play their games, tell the customer to do a ACH dispute for non authorized and get a paid a different way.